The Good Ole Days.
How many
times have you heard people, or your even yourself do so, lament about the good
ole days? Whether it is meant by being back on a mission, prior to marriage, or
in some cases the desire to have been with the earlier history of the church? I
personally, freely admit, that I have been guilty of this. Especially, at times
when I was at odds against my God and breaking the covenants I have made with
my Eternal Father. “Oh, that I was a missionary again, things would have been
different. I was so spiritual on the mission compared to now. There is no way
that myself then would have done what I have done now!”
As some of
you who follow me on Twitter may have seen. This has been on my mind as of
late, so much that I feel the promptings of the Holy Spirit to say something.
What made it as clear as seer stone was someone recently tweeted about coming
back to Church. They have had a long journey in repentance and were declaring
that they would return to their old righteous self. I believe without a doubt
that this a is spiritual trapping of our eternal adversary. This idea of the “good
ole days” is a snare the adversary so easily disguises. To prove this to you I
will be clear about my personal repentance. As well share some very deeply personal
conversations I have had with my God.
Post Mission
I served
my mission 2010 to 2012 in the United States in one of the Southern missions.
It was a long hard two years. I learned a lot and grew closer to my God. I had
witnessed miracles, experienced precious gifts of the Spirit as described by
Moroni. My last week in the mission wasn’t even spent in my assigned area. I
had permission to spend the last week in a previous area, as I had the honor of
baptizing a precious soul, who to their stubbornness refused to allow anyone
but I be the priesthood holder to perform the ordinance. The mission president
a district conference before in which he
pulled all the missionaries aside who would be leaving to go home soon.
There he challenged us to pray so fervently
that we would receive a confirmation that we magnified our callings and did what
we were to have done as missionaries. That final Sunday my heart was so full,
and the spirit was so clear. I had done what the Lord had expected me to do.
While I didn’t do everything I should have, I had repented of my mistakes and
strived to finish strong. My mantra the last month of the mission was 2 Timothy
2:4. While I could go into detail more about this, it digresses from the point
which is I loved my mission. I wished I could have stayed longer, and even
dreamed dreams of staying longer.
The next six months post mission
soon became very dark for me. I started back into sins I thought I had repented
of. I was angry about the YSA ward I was in, which is story for another time.
All the clarity of purpose I had prior to coming home was immediately lost. The
plans I felt so strongly about didn’t seem right. I became indecisive as to
what my course of action should be. At the time I wished so much to be back on
the mission. Even though I wasn’t baptizing left and right like the other
Elders and Sisters. It was comfortable to me; I had a purpose that was so clear;
“Preach My Gospel!” While my Stake President did give me a very special priesthood
blessing, I still felt lost as to what was the right course of action.
Military
I
really wanted to study languages, so I had a meeting with the head of the Arabic
department at BYU. A brunette-haired green-eyed woman who was a junior gave me
a campus tour. I felt like this was a good option for me, but the problem was
as 2.5 gpa high school student I had no scholarships. That’s when I recalled
about some previous companions who were reservist in the US Military, and they
mentioned about ROTC and commissioning to become an officer. As much as I
wanted to all the ROTC classes at the time were full, and I would have to wait
three semesters to get into the ROTC classes. This is where I came across the
path that lead to were I currently am.
Enlisted
military get benefits, most have heard of the Montgomery GI Bill. What most don’t
know is all branches, too include the new US Space Force, offer active duty tuition
assistance. I found a recruiter and then enlisted. I wanted a job to do that
would be fun while I studied part time. While this is possible its not a very
fast track option taking 6 classes a year, without tapping into my GI Bill, I
finally earned my Associates Degree after four years. My time as enlisted hasn’t
been without its bumps.
When you
join the military the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will send you
a letter with information provided by the military relations department. In that
letter this is a stark warning about staying away from the vast amount of
temptations. Its ominous for a reason, as many become less active after
entering military service. I even met a woman from Idaho that was fleeing what
sounded like an arranged marriage and was using military service to get away
from the home life. I’m not sure the actual statistic but from my current knowledge
it’s a very high percentage. If I had to guess it is more than 70% going less active
on entering military service.
I was one
of those who went less active. Not even six months into I was breaking the word
of wisdom. Also going to places that no return missionary should go. I was one
of the boys, one of those who wandered to the great and spacious buildings. One
night in a drunken stupor I cried and lamented at my situation. “Oh, that I had
just gone to BYU like a good return missionary.” I threw a pity party for
myself. I started becoming self-destructive, and uncaring in what happened.
Between 2013
to 2018 I went through various stages of “activity” with the church. I had one
foot in the great spacious buildings, and one trying to reach a crossed a chasm
to the iron rod. It doesn’t take an engineering major to know that this will
not work. Repentance requires complete abandonment of sin. By 2018 I went to
the branch president and confessed my sins before a Judge of Israel. While
expecting excommunication I was fully prepared for the long journey ahead. However,
the District Council felt that since I had come freely, and was willing to work
through repentance, that formal probation fit the circumstance if I tried.
Repentance
Can anyone
guess what the first book I was too read during my repentance process? Well
that would be the Miracle of Forgiveness. It was harsh, strict, and blunt about
sin. Some like this but for me I knew what I had done was wrong. I personally
did get some spiritual promptings from reading the book. That’s when it hit me
again, “Oh the good ole days” of the mission. I thought of those memories and
reflected on my mission. If I were as strong spiritually as I was then, I
wouldn’t be in my current predicament. I recalled hearing about a book by
Callister, who took all his notes on the atonement, and wrote out an exhaustive
book on the subject. One shopping cart later, and a week for delivery I cracked
the book open. I started to feel the same enthusiasm I felt as full-time
missionary. I was really getting back to my former glory.
“As we expand our
knowledge of the Atonement and increase our love for the Savior and the cause
for which he suffered, our hearts begin to soften and more readily yield to
the motivational powers of his sacrifice. We find new reservoirs of
commitment to “serve the living God.” Eventually, there emerges a personal
burning resolve that his suffering shall not have been in vain.” (Callister, 2000;
italics added for emphasis).
Repentance
is meant to be uncomfortable, and any person who says otherwise is not of God.
The Prophets and Apostles of the true and living church, the Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-day Saints, have always talked about the difficulty of repentance.
Five minutes into reading Miracle of Forgiveness you see how evident this is.
In Luke we read of a rich man who came to Jesus for wisdom. Christ said, “Yet
lackest thou one thing, sell all that thou has, and distribute unto the poor,
and thou shalt have tressure in heaven: and come, follow me” (Luke
18:22; Italics added for emphasis). What did the young man do, and how did he
respond? Well he left “when he heard this, he was very sorrowful: for he was
very rich” (Luke 18:23).
“People
need to understand that repentance isn’t just changing what we do. It is
closely related to what we are and what we believe. When we truly repent, we
change our hearts and our minds, not just our behavior” (Walker, 1992). This is
what I was learning during my repentance process. Yet still, I felt the desire
of lamentation, “oh the good ole days,” I to was like the rich man. I wanted to
walk away as repentance was uncomfortable. It by very nature is meant to be.
Looking at it in the military mindset, I used a phrase “the only easy day was
yesterday.” Which was something I would say time to time as missionary during
difficult days in hot weather sweating liters of water.
Christ asks
us very simply, yet so commanding “come, follow me” (Luke 18:23). I needed to
pick up the cross and carry the burden a bit. I needed to feel the pain of Gethsemane.
This doesn’t mean that I’m saving myself, as the scriptures are very clear on
this. “Wherefore, redemption cometh in and through the Holy Messiah; for he is
full of grace and truth” (2 Nephi 2:6; Romans 11:6; Acts 4:12). Come, is a
commanding word, it by nature means to listen, and then act on doing something.
Simply, we can argue this must be discipleship, this is what Christ is asking
us. In feudal Japan there was structure very present, a Shogun or Master, and a
Retainer or a Disciple. In one of the books on the samurai there is a very
powerful statement on what means to be a good disciple. “A man [or woman] is a
good retainer to the extent that he [or she] earnestly places importance in his
master” (Yamamoto, 1979, p. 18).
If we place
importance in our master, Jesus the Christ, we will be willing to follow him. True
change requires effort, effort which I believe moves us further than where we
have been. Even though I may have sinned so great to be placed on probation,
but there was hope at the end of the tunnel. “Though your sins be as scarlet,
they shall be white as snow” (Isaiah 1:18). Even as embarrassing as it was to
for a year to skip the sacramental cup and bread, to sometimes be asked by
young children why I didn’t take the sacrament. I knew my reward in enduring to
the end was to be exquisite.
“We endure to the
end by continuing to apply these principles throughout our lives and inviting
the Lord to change us. Enduring to the end means changing to the end. I now
understand that I am not starting over with each failed attempt, but
that with each try, I am continuing my process of change” (Craven, 2020, para.
7; italics added for emphasis).
We don’t need
to drink the bitter cup; Christ already did that for us. He does give us a
special promise in discipleship to him.
“Come unto me, all
ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon
you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest
unto your souls” (Matthew 11:28-29).
At the end
of the year and three months of formal probation, I was once again allowed to partake
of the sacrament. By January the following year, I was able to go for a temple
recommend. I had gone to the bottom of a pit, but through the merits and mercy
of Christ I was able to repent. “As we come nearer to God we see our imperfection
and nothingness plainer and plainer” (Phelps, 1836; Bushman, 2005, p. 315). One
of those imperfections I became keenly aware of was the notion of the “good ole
days.”
Marathon
Why
I believe this to be a trap of the adversary is simple. It by nature is against
the atonement. It’s against enduring to the end. Imagine entering a 5K marathon
in your city. You decide you want to after some encouragement of a few friends
you enter the race. Well the 5k is 6 weeks ahead which is perfect, you have
time to prepare for the race. You watch all the videos on how to run correctly,
you go to a running store getting fitted for the right shoe, you wake up at the
crack of dawn and go for 30 minute runs, and you see you are improving slowly
but surely. Worried that you might injure yourself the week prior, you stop training
to not potentially be injured.
Race day comes
so here you are super excited. Your family is at the finish line waiting for
you to get there. You have it all timed out, what pace you need to run. The whistle
screeches, and all the runners start going. You get excited, and notice you are
doing well. In fact, you notice that you are going a whole 30 seconds faster.
This motivate you a bit more, and you keep going as the finish line is so close.
Then bam you feel it the cramp is making its way into your calf. You start to
feel your pace decrease, and the cramp is becoming ever more noticeable. By the
three-kilometer mark you are at a walking pace, that is slowly turning into a
limping gait. A whole 15 minutes later you hobble across the finish line. While
your family cheers you on there is some self-embarrassment. “Man, I knew I
could have done better!”
While this happens,
you notice that the running store employee, the one that helped fit your shoes,
notices you and your family near the finish line. They make there way over and
ask how the race went. “Well I finished, but not as good as I had hoped for,”
you say a little grimacingly trying to soothe a tightly cramped calf muscle. “Well
that can happen to even the professionals. I thought you were following the six-week
program?” asks the shoe store employee. “ Well I was, “ you say out loud, “but,
I was worried the week prior I could hurt myself, so I stopped running.” “I
wish I had known; I would have warned you that it would have the opposite
effect. You should trail off some training, but not completely as your body is used
to the tempo. Well you now know for next time.”
My question
to you in this hypothetical scenario is do you go home, and lament about “oh
the good ole days” of when you were training? Sure, you were doing well
progressing, you likely would have finished the race the way you wanted? Yet,
its not at all beneficial, what’s something that just happened in this scenario?
That something is new knowledge that you did not have. You didn’t know that you
should stop running by going cold turkey on training. Through this experience you
are now wiser and know for the future what you should do. As it may be easier
for us to lament and think back about how things used to be. It can be easy to
be trapped by this thinking.
Perfected Through Christ
Like the
scenario I laid out, swap it with a mission, and going less active. Sure, I was
“spiritually fit” I studied the gospel every day, but what happened is that I
still fell away for some time. I hadn’t remembered about enduring to the end.
Even though for two years straight I went door to door preaching about the
basics of the gospel. While my mission will always be a spiritually significant
event to me, I now know that I was yet refined. I had weaknesses that were yet
to be revealed. Giving into to temptation was me spiritually taking a week off.
The results were sin a great spiritual cramp, that is so noticeable we are
unable to hear the still small voice of the Holy Spirit.
“In a
broader sense, coming unto Christ and being perfected in Him places perfection
within the eternal journey of our spirit and body—in essence, the eternal
journey of our soul (see D&C
88:15; Gong, 2014). As Gong (2014) notes it’s “the Saviors “great and last sacrifice”
that brings” the so needed mercy to be forgiven, and then perfected in Christ ye
accepting the atonement (para. 9-10, 15). Later in the talk by Gong he discusses
the trapping of perfectionism. I think this is the other half of the coin to
the “good ole day thinking.” Reflecting at my post mission experience I see that
I had essentially “took a week off,” and that turned into greater sins.
I will
always cherish my mission, and the things I learned during the two years. I
learned how to study the gospel, I learned the way’s I recognize the spirit, I
experienced gifts of the spirit, witnessed true mighty miracles seeing the hand
of the Lord, etc. While it’s nice to wish I could go back to that August in 2012
and start all over to do it again correctly. I would still be lacking some great
important insight, and the spiritual lessons I learned along the way. By no
means am I advocating for you to go sin so you can learn along they ways. The
point I am ultimately trying to make was I wasn’t enduring to the end. While in
my mind I think I was perfect the truth is I wasn’t as I fell away, I don’t want
to waste any more time thinking about the “good ole days.” To end I agree with
Craven (2020) who said, “I now understand that I am not starting over with
each failed attempt, but that with each try, I am continuing my process of
change” (para. 7).
References
Bushman, R. L.
(2005). Joseph Smith; Rough stone rolling. Vintage Books.
Callister, T. R. (2000).
The infinite atonement. Deseret Books.
Craven, B. (2020,
October). Keep the change. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2020/10/32craven?lang=ase
Gong,
G. W. (2014). Becoming perfect in Christ. The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2014/07/young-adults/becoming-perfect-in-christ?lang=eng
Phelps,
W. W. (1836). Letter to Sally Phelps. Kirtland Letters.
Walker, J. (1992,
July). The miracle of change. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1992/07/the-miracle-of-change?lang=eng
Yamamoto, T. (1979).
Hagakure: The book of the samurai (Wilson, W. S.). Kodansha International
Ltd.(1979). Original work published https://books.google.co.jp/books/about/Hagakure.html?id=gIsQAQAAIAAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false
Very good!
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